Pedro Tosses a Cat

Being negative doesn’t get you anywhere. I knew a guy back in college that could never find the plus side of anything. Pedro was our Eyeore. I don’t know if it was his upbringing or his surroundings but he was convinced the world was out to get him. No drive. No ambition. He’s come a very long way since then, but back in the day he was the brunt of many of our jokes.

Pedro loved the ladies but he was equally fond of the bottle so his hooch and cooch combo nights usually involved him having a hard time standing up straight and pouring his soul out to whatever girl would stick around to listen to him. Occasionally, every now and again, Pedro would get some cuddle time out of said girl.

One time in particular stands out due to the embarrassing interruption Pedro received. He had left the bar sometime before closing and stumbled home with this girl who wanted a little honey from the Pooh Bear. It was about a 3 block walk from the bar to the house with the pool and he had successfully managed to make it home and up the stairs to his room with this gal. I wasn’t living in this house at the time but its couch was always available to me.

Around 2am a contingent of us consisting of Wipf, Rob, and myself checked in to the house. From downstairs we could hear the sounds of love coming from the bedroom at the top of the staircase. Hot, dirty love. The kind of love that knew no shame but would have been intimately familiar with shame if the lights were on and the booze were less prevalent. What was going on in that room was, in fact, a tutorial in shame.

After making the obligatory comments and jokes amongst ourselves, we ventured upstairs for a closer inspection. Pedro had left his door open a crack and standing near it in curiosity was Rob’s kitten, Banshee. Banshee was an orange tabby who had a bad habit of howling at all hours of the night so the name was beyond appropriate.

With our brains filled with malice and alcohol, it seemed like a great idea to let Banshee investigate further. I turned off the hallway lights as Rob grabbed Banshee and pushed the door open just a bit further. Silently, Rob set Banshee on Pedro’s bed and quietly pulled the door shut, latching it as he did. We ran down the hallway and hid in Wipf’s room to watch.

At first there was no change. The pulsing rhythm of Pedro’s lady friend’s labored breathing continued unabated. Then…silence. Deafening silence followed almost immediately by the most blood curdling man-scream you will ever hear.

The door opened and we ducked back into the room but not before seeing an orange blur hurled through the air. I’ve seen cats thrown in my time but this was the first one that looked surprised by it. As Banshee glided to the ground, Pedro’s door slammed shut and we busted up laughing. About 15 minutes later a sheepish looking girl (both in mannerism and appearance) bade us a quick good bye as she left the house and Pedro came stomping downstairs.

“Which one of you fuckers threw the God damn cat on my bed?”

“What kind of education did Banshee get in there, Pedro?” Rob asked, completely ignoring his question.

“Was it Sex Education?” I added.

“Think that shit’s funny, do you? Wait, wait…let me get caught up with you guys. You think throwing a cat in the room with me while I’m having some fun is something to laugh about?”

“You have to admit it was pretty good, Pedro” Wipf said.

“Pretty good. Yeah. Pretty good. Say, Wipf, know what’s not pretty good?” Pedro took his shirt off.

“Your man boobs?”

“No, my man boobs are, in fact, pretty good, Wipf. What’s not “pretty good” as you say is this.” Pedro turned around to show us his scratched and bloody back.

“Pedro, you monkey. You’re an animal!”

“The fucking cat clawed the shit out of me you fuckers!”

“Rob, you put the cat on Pedro’s back?” I asked.

“No fucking way” Rob said between laughs. “I put the fucking cat on the bed by his feet. He must of have gotten scared or something.”

“All I know is I’m about to finish and all of a sudden the fucking cat is walking on my ass. I turned to see what the fuck was going on and it jumped on to my back and just started clawing the shit out of me. Look at this shit! I’m fucking bleeding!”

“Think of Banshee, Pedro. I’m not paying for cat therapy.”

“Fucking bleeding, Rob!”

“So is that when you threw Banshee into the hallway?” said Wipf.

“Yeah, I twisted around…”

“Oooh bet she liked that.”

“I swear to God Rob you will be the first to die tonight. Anyway, I twisted around and pulled the little shit off my back and took him to the hallway and chucked him out. That pretty much ended my night.”

“You should really get a lock for that door, Pedro.”